Unconditional Love

Recently, while reading a book on meditation, I came across this idea of unconditional love. Obviously this wasn't the first time I'd encountered the idea, but this author, Lewis, spoke of unconditional love in regards to the parent-child relationship. I'd think this was a given. A parent loves their child unconditionally. A child loves their parent unconditionally. Right? It's just the nature of this type of relationship, isn't it?

Thinking so I read past this and onto the next chapter never realizing how deeply the idea of conditional love bothered me. It started surfacing in random, seemingly unconnected, ways. Yesterday I didn't blog because I'd started thinking about my family. My mother to be exact. I responded proactively and delved into the feelings and frustrations head first. I'd forgotten all about unconditional love. After taking the bull by the horns, so to speak, I let many of the feeling dissipate and I relaxed. Then, out of the blue, it struck again. I talked with Norah about it and went to bed feeling relaxed and finished, or at least okay with the course of action I'd begun.

This week has been wrought with short naps and cranky babies. It's just been off. there isn't anything wrong with them, not teething yet, no milestones in the works, no gas, sickness or other such catalyst of fuss. Because of this increase in crying and decrease in sleep, I've had very little time to actually think during the day. I do take time for myself, I eat, use the toilet, check my email, sit still with the babies, but I really haven't been able to think. 

There are many who believe that because I let babies cry sometimes I'm immune to it. Or because I've nannied for so long I've built up a tolerance to the effects of crying. It isn't true. I tell my parents that, "If I can't deal with the crying, how can you?" I'm a role model, whether I like it or not. When things happen, I need to model calm. Parents look to me for direction and guidance, if I'm an emotional roller coaster, how will that effect them? Would you trust me if I cried each time your baby cried? If I jumped up and screamed each time they choked? What if I did something different every . single . time . they . cried ? You'd never trust me, have confidence in my abilities, theories and experience. 

But, being honest, I hate it when babies cry. Make it two babies and it's even worse. I can't think. I can keep them safe, I can act based on experience and practice, but I can't relax and let my mind wander. It kills me. 

All of this in mind, let's return to unconditional love. 

Both tomatoes are sleeping peacefully at the moment. I checked email then took a minute to sit still and look out of the window. Immediately my mind began to wander back to that idea of unconditional love. Let me tell you what I read. 

"Ordinary love is rooted in desire and satisfaction... Most love in the world is conditional and requires love in return. But true unconditional love requires nothing in return..."

Are you ready for this?!

"Love between a parent and child is the next [after that between spouses] most conditional relationship: I will love you and take care of you, but you in turn must love me and respect me and do what I tell you to do; you must receive gratefully all the love I give you, all the education and opportunities I bestow upon you, and you must perform and become a respectable young lady or gentleman in return."

Whoa. 

But this is stuck in my head. What have I seen to contradict this? I haven't. In my life I've seen many, many things to support this. I'm going to keep looking, keep thinking about this and I know that there are parents [somewhere] out there who love their children unconditionally. I would tell you this is true of Roger and Sara, but I'm not sure if it is in regards to Jackson. They have very, very high expectations of him. I'm not faulting them, not in any way, I'm just stating what I see. Parents should have expectations as far as I'm concerned, they should be high. But this needs to be coupled with love, understanding, space and support. I can see Sara being that way with both Jackson and Tabitha long term. I don't know about Roger.  That doesn't mean he should change or that I think he lacks something but that I need to continue searching for parents who love their children unconditionally. 

Give Blood

This time of the year blood donation is low. If you can give, please do. On a more personal note, Clover shares her story...

On September 18th, 2005, I gave birth at 31 weeks to Madison, weighing in at 2 ½ lbs., and Addison, weighing in at 3 ½ lbs.
I had been on strict bed rest for 2 ½ weeks prior, knew I was going to give birth soon and that the kids were going to be in the hospital for a while – but no matter how much I prepared myself, I could never anticipate what was to come.

I gave birth at the Hospital and was very lucky that both children were able to stay at their Special Care Nursery and did not have to be transferred to a higher level NICU as planned. No respirators were required; our kids were small and just needed to grow.

Every day the doctor updated us on the tests they ran and what they looked for. One specific test was to check each baby's hematocrit levels weekly. They explained that hematocrit levels were expected to drop every week until week 37 and then rise again. When a baby is in the womb, hematocrit levels going down and then up is no danger –out of the womb is a different story.

Both Madison and Addison's hematocrit levels were going down as expected, but because Madison was so tiny to begin with, economies of scale were not in her favor. The doctor told us that Madison's levels were going to reach a dangerous level before she reached 37 weeks and that they'd like her to have a blood transfusion.

A blood transfusion? My husband and I are far from medical experts and to this point I wasn't into reading books on twin pregnancy or what to expect because honestly, it was scary. What was going to happen was going to happen. I had no idea that this occurred in low birth weight babies and though it is more common than one would expect, it's still a scary process.

Thank goodness the blood transfusion was a success and we were lucky that she did not need any more transfusions. We were in great hands and to this day I am so thankful to all the doctors and nurses who were there for us and to modern medicine in general.

I wanted to give back however I could. It was someone's volunteered blood that literally saved my daughter's life. And you know what? After speaking to many other moms in our group who gave birth to premature low birth weight twins, I learned that some mothers had to experience each baby having five or six blood transfusions. Imagine that: 10-12 pints of blood per set of twins.

The first and last time I gave blood was in the early nineties and that was for my own surgery. I remember how lethargic I felt and how it took me a full day to recoup. I never wanted to attempt to do that again and risk feeling that way until I saw my daughter lying on that bed with all those tubes.

There are people who can give that don't for whatever reason, I used to be one of those people. My twins are now more than 2 years old and I've donated several pints thus far, feel just fine after I give, and try to give whenever possible. However, I only can give so much. Therefore, I am asking you to join me in donating blood this winter.

Time Management and Scheduling - two year old style

Recently a mom asked about time management with two year olds. Her daughter's name is Joanie. Today's post talks to this idea, so far as getting everything done in a day. Obviously I can give you suggestions but it will be harder for you than me because it's my work. It is easier for me to compartmentalize than it will be for you because you are at home. I know when I'm home, no matter how much I do I always feel like I could do more and/or there's more to be done. With that said...

Madison and Addison, who are about Joanie's age, woke around 7ish and I got there around 8 am. They'd have had breakfast by then and fresh diapers. Since they'd be playing when I first arrived I tried to throw in a load of laundry right away. Then, ideally, it's ready to toss in the dryer just before we leave the house.

Once I'd come upstairs, I'd encourage them to poo, yes, in their diapers, while picking out their clothes and planning our day. Ideally I'd try to think of what we'd be doing that day the night before, while driving, going to sleep or relaxing. Then I could mentally go through their clothes and decide what would look best and/or be most appropriate. I have to tell you this, picking out their clothes, can be my undoing. I can spend wayyy too long doing it, the shoes, the socks, everything and that's after I've picked the basics.

So, if I can get them to poo then when I dress them for the day I can change them and not worry about wipes and diapers for our outing. Sounds silly but streamlining makes a huge difference, especially with twins.

Ideally, dressed, empty (already poo'd) children then follow me downstairs and play while I make a snack to take along. They continue to play while I choose outerwear. While they are engrossed in their playing I'd run downstairs and switch the laundry. If you have multiple loads, obviously, toss the next one in at this point. Then, once I've packed everything up, I put on their shoes.

Now, if Joanie is more independent and wants to, can or chooses to do some of these things by herself, they will take longer. But it's good because the more practice she has, the quicker she'll be at performing these tasks, the more confident and independent she'll feel and the better for everyone in the long run.  Autonomy is an awesome thing and using it to your advantage makes your life easier rather than tougher.

Shoes on, snack in hand, I try to keep extra diapers in the trunk, we head out to the car. Since they can walk I encourage them to climb in on their own, this is key. The reasons are threefold. The climbing improves their gross motor skills and confidence, the physical aspect tires them out making nap time a lot easier later and the time it takes them to get in allows me the opportunity to close the door, load the extras, double check for diapers and finalize any plans I'm not quite sure of in my head. It also means I don't have to choose who gets buckled first, because they never end up ready at the same time. Autonomy is an awesome thing and using it to your advantage makes your life easier rather than tougher.

On an ideal day we are all buckled into our seats and I'm putting the car into gear around 9:30 am. Some days earlier, some days much, much later. Getting to places, like the children's museum, when they first open, helps us to avoid crowds. It also ensures a parking space, very important for me as I refuse to take a stroller once they can walk. Even though there are two of them I will not take a stroller. Why?

The walking improves their gross motor skills and confidence, the hand-holding and listening increases their attention spans. In a stroller most kids zone out and don't pay any attention. It makes me pay more attention because I look for opportunities to let go of their hands and keep them safe through interaction rather than physical restraint. The physical aspect tires them out making nap time a lot easier, activities more fun because they are stronger and their stamina is amazing (in the good ways) and they can play better and do more than their peers because of this strength and stamina. Plus the time it takes them to walk, pay attention or figure out what going on allows me to plan our next steps more fully and learn more about their perspectives as individuals. Autonomy is an awesome thing and using it to your advantage makes your life easier rather than tougher. Having them walk, rather than pushing them, does make getting places take longer. But not as much as you'd expect. And the more you do it, the faster they get, the more you look forward to it and actually realize the journey is as much (if not more) fun as the event.

Here's a HUGE benefit to no stroller - when we get into the museum we NEVER fight about leaving! By the time we've been there 25-45 minutes they are exhausted. Think of everything they've done already.

woke up
new diaper
breakfast
played
poo'd
dressed
climbed stairs
played
walked to car
climbed into car
relaxed, listened, looked
climbed out of car
walked
played

Another benefit is that we're never "stuck" if there's no elevator nor do we waste time waiting for elevators.

A good morning is 1/3 driving, 1/3 walking/climbing, and 1/3 activity/playing. Obviously the driving is broken into two parts, coming and going, as is the walking/climbing.

Ideally we'll go home, have lunch, climb back upstairs, change diapers (yep, they haven't been changed since their poo earlier in the morning), read a story, sing a song and go to bed.

I aim for a nap between 12 and 1:15 pm. Then encourage them to sleep until 3-3:45 pm. If I could choose I'd do 12:45 - 3:15 pm every day. But we need flexibility and they fluctuate just like everyone else. Since they only take one nap per day,  I really push 2 hrs minimum. If they sleep less than that, say 1.5 hrs, they can't make it through the afternoon. 45 minutes doesn't count as a nap, if they wake at this point I just wait and they almost always go back to sleep. Of course there are times when they only sleep 1.5 hrs and we plan our afternoon accordingly.

While they nap I fold the laundry, clean up their snack stuff and straighten anything out of place from the morning. If I get everything done then I take time for myself. If it has been a really exhausting morning, lots of driving, fussy kids, non-eaters, my period, headaches, non-nappers, whatever, I try to take time for myself first knowing that laundry and "stuff" always ends up getting taken care of. If I put them down and they refuse to nap, then they have "rest time" during that period.

Now, I know that most parents don't do this and I'll tell you why it's bad. Not that it isn't ideal, but why it is actually bad.

Everyone needs a break. Babies need a break. Kids need a break. Adults need a break. Heck, dogs and cats, puppies and kittens need breaks. And everyone needs a break from each other. I'm one of the most extroverted people you'll meet and I need a break. For a long, long time I denied this. I'd complain about having them nap, especially if they weren't napping, and say it would be so much easier to just go do something with them then to listen to them complain. I was wrong, I was in denial. I needed a break. They needed a break. 

Whether or not they take a nap, the afternoon is going to come. They are going to have to function in the world. They will have to eat again. And if they are so cranky they can't stand themselves at 2 pm, what do you think dinner and bedtime will look like?

Do you know that kids who get too little sleep are harder to put to bed? They are also more likely to have nightmares. They are more often heavier, to unhealthy levels, although not always. And, kids who don't get enough sleep, are sicker. Having a rest time, even without napping, makes bedtime easier.

Okay, end of my rant on sleep, it has taken years, but I'm an advocate for sleeping, naps and regular bedtimes. It is a big deal.

Alright, so, 2 hrs of nap time for self time and housework and/or busy-work. I try to always eat when the kids eat. This saves time, models proper etiquette, because they learn more from watching what you do than from listening to what you say, and keeps me from needing to eat, thus overeating, while they are asleep. I also eat healthier when I'm eating with kids than when I just grab something. For you it's even more important because it teaches Joanie that YOU are just as important as she is. Mothers who don't value themselves or their importance, raise kids who don't value themselves. By taking time for yourself you are telling her that you are an important person too. And you are, without you there'd be no her. Right?

Around 3-3:30 pm, I get them up, change diapers and while they play I put the laundry away. Then we do an activity. If they are cranky and still tired I keep it low key, if they've napped and gotten up pleasant and relaxed we do something a little more fun and exciting. If they've slept late and there really isn't much time left in the afternoon, we might stay home. No matter how perfect their naps are I make sure we stay home at least one afternoon per week. I've taken care of kids who can't get through an afternoon, 1.5-2 hrs, without needing to go out. While I'm a huge advocate for getting out and getting fresh air, being able to amuse yourself at home is just as important a skill.

Once the laundry is done we get a snack and then put on shoes, unless we're staying home, then we go downstairs for a snack and just hang out. Occasionally I'll pack a snack to take with us and we'll leave sooner. Making a point to have an "in" afternoon gives me the opportunity to catch up if I'm behind on anything. I use these afternoons to organize their drawers, take out clothes that are too small, sort toys that are no longer appropriate, lay out clothes for the next day or plan the next day, take pictures of them, make lists of needed items or groceries, etc. Whatever needs to be done.

Around 5 pm we go downstairs and I make dinner. If it's been an "in" afternoon I may have started dinner earlier, if we've been out I try to get back by 5 to get dinner started. Of course some nights we hit traffic or are just running late. Not a big deal. Five is what I like to aim for. They play while I do dinner and then get into their chairs and are eating when their mom comes home. I generally don't sit to eat with them at dinner but take the opportunity to finish anything up, emptying the diaper pail, straightening toys from playtime, organizing things for the next day, preparing a snack for the next day, more cooking, grocery list, etc.

Once a week I extend morning playtime to change their sheets. I also make lists of things that they need or do research about them, their development, special products, activities, etc. I try to fit these things into "me" time while they nap or rest.

If I were to stay late, some nights I've done this for whatever reason, then the rest of the evening would go like this.

Once they finish eating, or 6:15 pm, we put everything away and go up to the bath. I let them climb the stairs because I've already washed their hands and faces. The key to not having a hundred things to do when they go to bed is to do them as you go. When we head up to the bath the kitchen is done, bibs rinsed, chairs clean, food put away, dishwasher loaded.

Then I give them a bath, brush their teeth, and put on their pajamas. We'd read a few stories, four max, then sing a song and I'd put them to bed. Then say goodnight and close the door.

That's it, end of day, end of work because everything has been taken care of as the day went on.

 

Evening Excitement

We had quite an even this week. A neighbor tried to make a fire in her fireplace and smoked us out! It was pretty rough. I called Roger and Sara to ask about their location and Roger seemed to be trying to tell me that things weren't as serious as I was suggesting. The funny part of this is that I'm at least 60x more relaxed about emergencies than most. Honestly. I approach things calm, cool and collected because if I were to freak out everyone around me would too.

Roger ended up calling me back a minute or two later to try and learn more. Apparently when he'd hung up the phone Sara told him exactly what I just explained to you. She said, "If Samara is calling it's probably pretty serious."

A few minutes later they arrived home and Sara freaked out. Her babies were born pretty early to be risking the health of their lungs over someone's stupidity. 

Apparently this neighbor has done this before. She knew she'd screwed up and unplugged her fire alarms. Our place was full of smoke and she didn't think she should even check on us our mention it. She knows there are two babies here. And I kept telling myself to relax because there wasn't a smoke alarm, it must have been a neighbor using a wood burning stove. 

Sara called 911 while Roger talked with the neighbor. There was a lot of excitement and a lot of drama. The entire place reeks of smoke. They opened everything up despite it only being in the thirties and colder overnight. We had three fire engines here and at least five fire fighters came tromping through the house. There wasn't a fire just lots and lots of smoke. The babies were tired, it was the end of their day, but held up pretty well. Because we visited with another neighbor while the house was aired we got to see something we probably wouldn't have otherwise. Jackson is developing some stranger anxiety. Tabitha not so much. We'll see how it develops. 

For now though, we're all fine, the smoke smell is decreasing and we're all looking forward to a quiet remainder of the week. Hope yours are equally calm, relaxed and uneventful.