Thinking so I read past this and onto the next chapter never realizing how deeply the idea of conditional love bothered me. It started surfacing in random, seemingly unconnected, ways. Yesterday I didn't blog because I'd started thinking about my family. My mother to be exact. I responded proactively and delved into the feelings and frustrations head first. I'd forgotten all about unconditional love. After taking the bull by the horns, so to speak, I let many of the feeling dissipate and I relaxed. Then, out of the blue, it struck again. I talked with Norah about it and went to bed feeling relaxed and finished, or at least okay with the course of action I'd begun.
This week has been wrought with short naps and cranky babies. It's just been off. there isn't anything wrong with them, not teething yet, no milestones in the works, no gas, sickness or other such catalyst of fuss. Because of this increase in crying and decrease in sleep, I've had very little time to actually think during the day. I do take time for myself, I eat, use the toilet, check my email, sit still with the babies, but I really haven't been able to think.
There are many who believe that because I let babies cry sometimes I'm immune to it. Or because I've nannied for so long I've built up a tolerance to the effects of crying. It isn't true. I tell my parents that, "If I can't deal with the crying, how can you?" I'm a role model, whether I like it or not. When things happen, I need to model calm. Parents look to me for direction and guidance, if I'm an emotional roller coaster, how will that effect them? Would you trust me if I cried each time your baby cried? If I jumped up and screamed each time they choked? What if I did something different every . single . time . they . cried ? You'd never trust me, have confidence in my abilities, theories and experience.
But, being honest, I hate it when babies cry. Make it two babies and it's even worse. I can't think. I can keep them safe, I can act based on experience and practice, but I can't relax and let my mind wander. It kills me.
All of this in mind, let's return to unconditional love.
Both tomatoes are sleeping peacefully at the moment. I checked email then took a minute to sit still and look out of the window. Immediately my mind began to wander back to that idea of unconditional love. Let me tell you what I read.
"Ordinary love is rooted in desire and satisfaction... Most love in the world is conditional and requires love in return. But true unconditional love requires nothing in return..."
Are you ready for this?!
"Love between a parent and child is the next [after that between spouses] most conditional relationship: I will love you and take care of you, but you in turn must love me and respect me and do what I tell you to do; you must receive gratefully all the love I give you, all the education and opportunities I bestow upon you, and you must perform and become a respectable young lady or gentleman in return."
Whoa.
But this is stuck in my head. What have I seen to contradict this? I haven't. In my life I've seen many, many things to support this. I'm going to keep looking, keep thinking about this and I know that there are parents [somewhere] out there who love their children unconditionally. I would tell you this is true of Roger and Sara, but I'm not sure if it is in regards to Jackson. They have very, very high expectations of him. I'm not faulting them, not in any way, I'm just stating what I see. Parents should have expectations as far as I'm concerned, they should be high. But this needs to be coupled with love, understanding, space and support. I can see Sara being that way with both Jackson and Tabitha long term. I don't know about Roger. That doesn't mean he should change or that I think he lacks something but that I need to continue searching for parents who love their children unconditionally.
