This week I've been thinking about Zander's older brother, Rowan. He was two and a half when I met him, very, very cute, traditional blonde, huge blue eyes and his signature toddler bowl cut. He had an amazing vocabulary but was extremely picky about who he let hear it, he could say almost any word and didn't hesitate to tell you he preferred his mother over every other person in the world.
I can hardly believe that was me, ten years ago. It seems like a lifetime ago that he was demanding I go and mommy stay. Always. In those first days I can't count how many times he said, "No Samara. You no get me. Mommy get me." This phrase applied to everything, putting on his bib, wiping his hands, buckling his carseat, unbuckling, getting toys, taking baths, everything was punctuated with "You no get me." And his pacifier, it was always in the picture, ALWAYS.
It is so crazy to think that in a week he will be twelve. Twelve. He's about my height now, doesn't want anybody to do anything, and thick. It's very odd. All of the things I imagined for him, mainly that he'd be just like his peers, and he isn't. He's the image of his mother, overweight, lazy, addicted to the television, rude, self-centered and antisocial. He does play sports like his extremely active father and he watches them on tv, but he eats garbage in massive quantities and lounges in front of the television for hours upon hours.
I think of all we did together, how he grew, what I saw in him. There were so many great adventures, experiences to make an impression, consistent, regular activities that I just can't understand this place he's in. That isn't true, I know modeling means so much more than everything I put in, but it's so hard to accept.
You may be thinking I dislike Beckett, his mother, but that isn't true. I love her dearly, but I know that she makes unhealthy choices. Models unhealthy behavior and who wants to see a child unhealthy? Every choice I made during my years with Rowan was based on him having a healthy life, being a healthy and happy person. It's hard to see that he isn't. You may also be thinking that he's coming into his teen years and he's completely normal, maybe. But what if he picks up more of his mother's unhealthy choices? There's still hope in college. A lot can chnge, happen and develop then. I haven't given up on Rowan. I still love him very, very much and think about him regularly. For this next year, I wish him renewed health, happiness and individuality.
Happy Birthday Rowan!
